Julie and Julia and Schizophrenia

Last night I watched Julie & Julia. For those who don't watch TV or use the Internet (congrats on finding my page!!) this movie stars the old Meryl Streep and the usually cute Amy Adams in a movie about a woman who is so sad in her life that she decides to cook through a cookbook in a year. Let us start this review: The Good-this movie is pretty funny at points.
The Bad: This movie is depressing. For those of you who wanted to cry/kill yourself at the beginning of Up, don't watch this movie alone. Basically, you get to see the lighthearted life of Julia Child and her husband (played by the wonderful Stanley Tucci) in France and other whereabouts while, in 2002, Julie takes phone calls about 9/11 tragedies by day and cooks to forget her problems (and marriage) by night. There is no tension in this movie, bad things stay bad and good things stay good. There is no change and no excitement. Julie continuously comments on how she feels Julia's presence and how she feels that Julia is with her. Somehow no one realizes how insane his sounds when a woman in her 30s has an imaginary friend that exists in real life. The movie's ending is awful. You find out that Julia Child hates Julie's blog (that's right, crazy depressed woman has a blog) and then the epilogue scripts roll. Let me tell you, as a fan of the "here's what happened to this person afterwards" ending, this sucked. I was even more depressed when the first things that show up are the death days of the Child coupe and then that crazy botch is a writer and still lives in the area she hates. Great. I am not usually one to use words longer than a couple syllables, mostly because they are hard o pronounce when drunk, but this movie had no denouement. The little buildup that occurred in this movie was let down with no warning and none of the conflicts were resolved. i guess my biggest problem with this movie is that it displays the interaction of an interesting life with a realistic one. That makes it sad.

Two Movie Reviews and a Happy New Year

Over the past two weeks I went to the theater to see Valkyrie and Yes Man.

Valkyrie is a slow movie. It starts with a bang and ends with a montage. This movie is not for everyone, as I noticed when my dad, who loves historical dramas more than I do, said he thought it was just ok. I really enjoyed this movie. Good acting, a pretty solid plot, and exciting political intrigue make this movie worth 10 bucks to see. I have two complaints: The first is that most actors are British, and celarly so. This movie involves mainly German officers, so it would have been nice to hear some accents. My other complaint is about reviewers. They keep saying that this movie makes no mention of the Holocaust and seem really upset about it. The Holocaust is mentioned as one of the reasons for Tom Cruise's character wanting to kill Hitler. So there. This movie is also about people in the Nazi army and government who wanted to stop Hitler for a variety of reasons and the formation of a plot to kill him. It is not about the Holocaust. Go see Schindler's List if you want to watch a movie about the Holocaust.

Yes Man is only like Liar,Liar in premise, and is much more mature and funny than that movie. Jim Carrey does the best I've seen from him in awhile. Its nice that he can play the funny man and be serious. This movie is very fun to watch and features a great performance from the guy who plays Maury on Flight of The Concords. His character as the bank manager will make you laugh each time you see him. Not to spoil anything, but if you grew up in the 90s there's a musical treat for you in this movie. Definitely go see it.

Laurell K. Hamilton-- You Suck

I am a huge nerd and as such like to read science fiction books. I decided to take a chance on Laurell K. Hamilton's Blood Noir, as it was apparently a bestselling novel. It has to be the worst book I've ever read, including textbooks and all of the Star Wars books I've trudged through over the years.

The whole thing was written worse than the Baltimore Sun, which is a newspaper that pushes the limit if it hits fifth grade vocab. Ms. Hamilton (you bet your ass she's not married) apparently wrote this thing on a typewriter, because there is no fucking way that anyone would be able to look at a computer screen, see that you do, in fact, use the same adverbs and adjectives over and over again and be ok with it. Hey Laurell- hit shift-mother fucking f7. Use a goddamned thesaurus. Then the book would have been readable.

To move on to why this book was not good: It was clearly written by a hopelessly horny yet romantic woman who's looks are going or never were there. Whenever your main character can be described as you minus some poundage, a few years, and better facial features you are projecting too much. Also, a woman that gets power from sex? Are you kidding me? Don't all women use sex to get shit they want?

Also- stop googling animals to make new were-species. Its fucking annoying that I not only have to keep track of vampires, werewolves, and scheming humans but were-rats, were-leopards? How about you get bitten by a rabid Stephen King and develop the power to write enjoyable fiction. It could be a new series: Laurell K. Hamilton's new Writer's Block stories, starting with Curse of the Too Descriptive Narrative that Goes Nowhere after Hundreds of Pages. It will be a bestseller in Hell, which must be the largest purchaser of your crap fiction.

Read Philip K. Dick, he won't let you down.

Fuck ABC Family

So, its been awhile since my last post. Quite awhile actually. I haven't been my normal, angry self because I've kind of learned how to deal with most things that piss me off. But after almost two weeks of studying and exams, with one left before I can peace out for a month, I'm losing my shit. You may ask, what could possibly set a sleep-deprived, studying, Bearate (combination pirate + bear) off? One thing (besides fucking hippies): The bastardization of Rudolph. Imagine my joy, whilst taking a study break, upon finding that Rudolph and the Isle of Misfit Toys was on ABC Family. It brought back the many fond memories I had about stop-motion animation, Yukon Cornelius, and Burl Ives as a fat snowman. I turn it on with a glimmer of nostalgia and happiness in my eyes, an event as rare as the fucking apocalypse, and FUCK! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Instead of a lovable children's' movie, there was a fucking computer-animated new-voiced piece of shit in front of me. I got to see a childhood classic updated and in HD. I don't know about you, but a cock punch does not feel better in HD. Whose idea was this? Here's my interpretation:

Cockmonger: Damn writers strike. What are we going to do about Christm-I mean the holidays?
Asslicker: Hmm. We could do a reality tv show about midgets making toys. People love to watch midgets because they're different and thus scary to the general population.
CM: No, the rights aren't up on that yet from Little People Big World.
AL: We could just show old holiday movies. Like Rudolph. Even Jews love rudolph.
CM: NO! I have an even better idea. Rewrite Rudoph, put it in CG, and rape everyone's childhood memory1
AL: Sir, that is an excellent idea.
CM: Thank you. Now lets go do our volunteer time at the abortion clinic. Its always so busy this time of year anyway.
AL: Yes sir. Not all the Christmas Hams get fully cooked!
CM: You crack me up. You'll have to meet Satan next time he visits me.

Fuck the writers strike, and fuck ABC Family.

The Wii's First Casuality

So, I heard a news story today about a woman dying while competeing for a new Nintendo Wii. I have trouble caring about other people, so I didn't listen to the entire report, but it involved drinking large amounts of water. As far as I'm concerned, its the radio station's fault (the contest was held by a radio station). Normally, I'd be on the other side, you know, "You signed the release, we're not responsible." But, fuck, it was water! What disgusting piece of human shit designs a contest with water consumption that could kill someone? These are the kind of people that need to be castrated as soon as they show signs of dumbassness. The people who designed this thing should be strapped to a chair and have that chinese water torture shit done to them until they die.

In other news, check out Employee of the Month. watched it last night, and thought it was pretty funny.

Toddler Stuck in Claw Machine

I read in the news yesterday that a toddler got stuck in a claw machine because he wanted a stuffed animal. Apparently, the kid realized the goddamn machine was ripping him off and decided to crawl inside and take what he wanted. After awhile he was released from his fluffy Plexiglas prison and left-- empty handed. What the fuck? The little shit displayed intelligence way ahead of his time (learning that arcade machines are the mechanized Mafia, extorting the hard earned quarters from the kids of hard working people, and creepy middle-aged Asians) and he didn't get a prize? I would have got the kid a fuckin prostitute to complement the level of intellect he had shown. I blame the Liberals. Especially the really ugly ones (Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Saddam Hussein).

Our Specials today include half priced Whine and a lovely Deep-dish Bullshit

I am tired of people. People do so many annoying things. The two most annoying things a person can do are to whine and to bullshit. Some examples of whining include: "You aren't doing ___ right. waaaaaaaa" "But I wanted to ____. Boo Hoo" Knock Knock: Shut the fuck up. No one cares about whatever you're whining about. If they did, then you wouldn't have to whine. As much as whining annoys me, I loathe bullshit. Bullshit encompasses many things, from a little exaggeration (which is usually fine) to bold faced lies. For example, the other day someone remarked : "You know, I threw that stuff out that was right here." To which I replied: "No, I did that on Friday when I was cleaning the room." "Oh, I must have thrown out another one."
I left it at that, because now this person has lied to me twice. I know i threw out both things he's talking about, but he doesn't know that I did, which makes him look like an asshole. I think liers should hang from the ceiling by their balls while schoolchildren get to hit them in their lying mouth. I guess what I am getting at is that I strongly dislike lying. And I will end you if you piss me off.